I see it now. The fluidity of the passage of time, the shifting of timelines, the vortexes and portals that pull at our Be-ings.
We are running out of time. And we have all the time in the world we could ever need.
.........
"Fifteen minutes a day," she said, "Just 15 minutes. That's all you need to do." She stands comfortably cozied up in the fall air, which is just turning now and beginning to have that extra nibble in it. Not yet a bite, but a gentle fall nibble, reminding you to begin to turn inwards, now that the light is getting short, and the nights much longer. Her cheeks are rosy in response to the fall air. She stands next to me, energy enveloping me in this deep knowing.
Here is one of Gaia's Warriors. She has stood timeless, through the ages, wearing gowns and cloaks alike, while she sings and sways and dances softly on this Earth Mother. Bound to love and honour Her, sworn to guard and defend Her. Through timelines, through dimensions. Hello, Earth Warrior Queen. Hello, my neighbour, my friend. Hello Sister. Hello Witch, Medicine Healer.
I wonder, does she know? Can she see it? Does she feel them, beneath her skin? The timelines? The incarnations? The lifetimes? Magic swirls around her, an invisible cloak.
She has only to reach her hands to the earth, to call in the sky. She has only to reach her hands to the sky to call in the earth. She is Freya, she is Tara. She is all Powerful, once she Remembers.
As we all are.
She is still talking. "That's what they taught us. Fifteen minutes a day; that's all it takes. I'll share the information with you."
And even as I bring my awareness back to this dimension, I can feel the resonance. This is Truth in a manifestation form. It's strange how you can feel vibrations of Truth in a new way, once you start listening on a deeper level. Listening from a cell level.
"Fifteen minutes. That's it. Yes, that's something I can do."
Finally, a piece that I can bite off and chew.
.........
"Just five minutes at a time," he said, as he stood in the brightly lit hallway. "You know how you've been told to take it a day a time before? That's wrong. You can't take it a day at a time anymore. Too much can happen in one day. Take it five minutes at a time. Just get through five minutes, and then the next five minutes."
His words feel chilling and warm at the same time. Like someone has put a cloth and pressure on a wound that was bleeding out. I take a slightly deeper breath. Five minutes is something I can do. I can survive these next five minutes.
I let myself relax a little. He's here, this sweet, gentle man. I remembered him as so much bigger. But I was sick then, and much younger. He's about my height now, but the way his quiet voice sounds as he talks makes me feel young, and safe, again. My oncologist. Come to care for his patient. Only I'm not the patient any longer. Now, I'm the mother.
The mother. He looks for my own. She, no longer the mother of the patient, now the grandmother. She is as destroyed as the rest of us, shaken to the very core of her being. He crosses to her, and I work hard not to feel the sting of the disappearing safety and warmth.
Five minutes, he said. I square my shoulders. I can do the next five minutes, no question. Stronger, calmer, armed now with the wisdom of how to walk through my worst nightmare. Five minutes at a time.
..........
Three years later, everything has changed. The world shifted, landscapes shaken like fresh sheets on a bed, flattened out by big sweeping gestures, and firm pulls and nudges. Our world, completely remade, the same and totally new.
I see it now. The fluidity of the passage of time, the shifting of timelines, the vortexes and portals that pull at our Be-ings.
Five minutes at a time, I have lived through things worse than I had ever imagined, time and again.
Fifteen minutes at a time, I have remade my life into something new.
Someone asked me recently what brings me joy. Such a good question, and to be honest, I am a bit daunted by it. Not because it's hard to answer, but because it's so easy, in some ways. It simply depends on my perspective.
Sometimes, waking up in my own bed, with my whole family together, brings me great joy. Especially when it's on the heels of a hospital stay, where we have been separated by circumstance. On those days, the feel of my own bed, the ability to fully hug another human, the taste of homemade coffee and the chance to throw the ball for the dog with said coffee steaming in the morning mist... Oh, the sweetness of it, the beautiful familiarity and coziness of it all, can be all-consuming.
Sometimes, it's the ability to leave my house, walk into my studio or altar space, and have silence or stillness that bring joy. It's that incredible freedom that comes with every step as I walk from those kids, who I would give my everything to and do - and walk back to myself. When I center down, and in, and listen for my very Soul, and answer Her - oh! The joy overflows through the very space around me as I call my Self back Home.
Sometimes, it's the moment when my dog looks at me with absolute delight in his eyes, and asks me to throw the ball just one more time.
Sometimes, it's that moment when the light in the sunset is so perfect, and the light plays across the valley in a way that raises the frequency of everything it touches.
Sometimes, it's that moment as I run casually down the road... And then realize that I am able to run casually down the road and I marvel as my feet hit the ground without pain, and appreciate the feeling of the strength and speed, hidden under these stories of pain and disability.
Sometimes, it's the way my kids cuddle in together, or play together, and I can see the mutual absolute adoration between them, and my heart tries to split wide open...
The truth is, the very fact that I get to be alive brings me great joy these days. This has not always been the case, and is likely not where you would imagine I would be at this point in my life. But I would be foolish in the extreme if I were to deny all of the times that I have had a second or a third chance. My life has been filled with chances. I am deeply blessed to have had as many as I have had.
I have spent years feeling confused, guilty, rootless... Survivor’s guilt is a real and powerful thing. But no more. I do not feel guilt that I have survived to this point in my life.
Now, I feel well used, and grateful. And like I have a responsibility: to live this incredible gift of incarnation completely. To know the sweetness of life and second chances, to know what it is to be reincarnated, to rise from the ashes. To honour this gift by remembering everyday what a miracle this world is, and what an incredible opportunity to be a human at this time on earth.
And then to share it all, from deep within, answering the call of my Awakened Soul.
Welcome to my blog!
I have long been called to live my life in a spirit of Radical Vulnerability. This blog is the next level of this social experiment. I offer you my stories and my heart, in hopes that it will inspire you to do the same for another.
We live in a time of massive transformation. All around us, social systems are crumbling, only to make way for something new to be born in their place. We have the deep honour and responsibility to live embodied on planet earth during this time of great upheaval.
As we begin to co-create a world that supports the great diversity of experiences, needs, and perspectives of all living things, may we also find new ways of living into our truth. May we offer our hearts, our Souls, to act always for the Highest Good of All.
It is with this prayer that I offer you my stories, told from my heart to yours, for the Highest Good of All Beings.
****In honour of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month (September), I have decided to share personal accounts - both as a teen, going through leukemia treatments, and as a mom, walking beside my son as he goes through his own leukemia treatments. He was four at diagnosis, I was thirteen. I’ll share stories that have been written over the last twenty-four years, through my journeying with childhood cancer and its lasting effects.
